Cut the Shit

Where I've Been and What I've Done

I haven't written much in here lately. I've wanted to, but I just couldn't bring myself to do it. Truth is, over the years, this journal has become my concious; it's become a mirror of who I am. I write things in here that I don't want to admit to myself, but I find solace in admitting it to people I've never met. It's a strange psychological benefit of having your own little page in a very public environment.

Recently, I made a very major mistake with someone very close to me. A couple of months ago I made a decision to do something that I knew would destroy this person's trust and against all better judgement and personal reservations, a moment of desperation led me to act on this decision.

For a while it seemed as though there would be no consequences and I would only be forced to deal with the guilt. "Only". The guilt nearly destroyed every moment I spent with this person.

Over time I found myself treating this person like shit because I couldn't bear to look them in the face. When they treated me like the top of the totem pole, I turned around and made sure that they remembered their place on the bottom. I made a big mistake that snowballed into a dealbreaker.

In a round about way, my mistake was exposed. I stood in shock for a few minutes, then I wandered around the apartment trying to figure out a solution...or rather, a lie to get myself out of it. And then I sat down on the couch and just cried.

My choice was to come clean about everything.

I love the person that I hurt so much. I've worked very hard over the years to create an open and honest relationship between the two of us. I wanted nothing more than to be a positive influence on this person.

And then I made the decision to put all of that in jeopardy.

To my surprise and graciousness, this person has been immediately responsive and understanding. They haven't cut me out of their life and they haven't punished me for what I've done.

And that's the hardest part. I need them to punish me so that I can stop punishing myself. I want them to scream and cry so that I know they're passionately upset by what I've done. But I fear that I'm at the point in this relationship where there is no more screaming and yelling. There is no more passion to our fights. I think I've done something so big that the only viable option is to walk away from the history that we share.

For that I'm scared.

Unfortunately, this is only the beginning of the hurt that's about to come.